John Mayer Knows All
Hello, world. Okay, maybe not “world,” that’s a bit pretentious. Realistically it’s more like “hello, approximately seventeen people who read my blog,” and that’s nice too. Welcome friends! How ‘bout that ride in?
….I’m stalling.
Hey Kayla that’s strange, why are you stalling? You’re writing a blog. It is completely unnecessary to stall with the written word. It’s irksome; actually, we don’t have all day. You, friend, (voice of my subconscious) are not wrong. But, alas, I’m stalling because while I generally try to keep these posts in a pleasant little place of puns and positivity, I’d like your permission to take this one in a slightly different direction.
Imagine this post as a game of Monopoly, (yes, you can be the racecar. Goodness. That is not important right now.) and when you clicked the link you picked up a “Chance” card that read GO DIRECTLY TO AUTHENTICITY. DO NOT PASS GO. DO NOT COLLECT $200. If you have a “get out of emotions free” card, this is your time to use it. There has bound to be a killer piece of Kardashian “news” out there to be kept up with. Otherwise, please feel free to stick around, drop a hotel on Park Place, and read about my heart sounds. It’s up to you. I’ll love you either way, I promise.
I would not be surprised if I lost a fair amount of people at the Monopoly reference above to the inexplicable urge to ruthlessly ransack long-unopened game closets for pieces of pastel currency. By now I’m sure somebody has had the great misfortune of stumbling upon a Bop-it and has forsaken the rest of their foreseeable future to aggressively and competitively follow orders. I also wouldn’t be surprised if there is a small handful of people who are now looking for an AuthentiCITY on the nearest atlas, because as we all know, map puns make the world go ‘round.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, which to be fair is not unusual, but here we are. I set out on my study abroad experience to eat copious amounts of gelato “learn about myself.” Cliché, I know…. but, when in Rome? I’ve been more or less (more) emotionally unstable recently. If that’s unsettling to you, you care about me and I appreciate that. But, you don’t need to worry. Let me explain:
I am in crisis. I don’t know who I am, what I want, what I’m doing with my life, or how I’m going to “get to” my indefinite, swirling vortex of a quote unquote “future.” Frankly, I’m freaking out.
I’ve spent my whole life using my lovely, exceptionally intelligent and studious sister as the poster child for academic ambition. She’s going to be a doctor. Honestly. She is in the process of adding an impressive little DR. prefix to this nice last name of ours. I, on the other hand, distinctly remember leaving the room when my mom watched ER back in the day because all things hospital-related gave even young me the heebiest of geebies. Needless to say, (and needle-less to say) being a doctor is off the table. And that’s okay, but even without that end-goal in mind I have always placed a substantial amount of my self-worth in the numbers of my GPA. What better than a number by which to judge one’s success in life?
Here’s the problem. Studying abroad? It’s been much more abroad than studying. (Sorry, Honors Program, which is half the reason I update this thing) It turns out that learning a second language can be a bit difficult. Who knew? Who also knew that despite being Netflix-free (54 days clean), living in a different country could take up a fair amount of study time? I spent a good fifteen minutes in the grocery store trying to discern the differences between milk with green, blue, white, and orange caps. I still have no idea what I’ve been putting on my cereal every morning, its utterly ridiculous.
Essentially, I’m right smack in the middle of what my man John Mayer would deem a “quarter-life crisis” and I’m here rambling about it on the internet. Does my GPA matter? Why does GPA not stand for Good Person Average? What are the odds my life GPA would even be better than my university GPA? I would think that assuming it might be higher probably takes my Good Person Average down a couple of points…dammit. Now what do I do? Are any of the qualities I like about myself worth anything if they can’t be typed in Times New Roman and pasted neatly into a well-rounded resume? What are the odds I can actually make a living doing something I love? What’s it all about, Alfie?
Have I reached the plight of the “twenty-something?” Is it just this black hole of uncertainty until I discover what all of my friends who “have it all figured out” already know? How, when I am actively seeking growth and change, am I supposed to find a balance between fulfilling societal expectations and embracing a life that makes me happy?
I’m not nearly insightful enough to come to my own conclusions here. Also please don’t interpret this as a plea for sympathy. I would like to think those of you who made it this far probably think I’m pretty alright. But, you might as well call me Kayla “Has Too Many Feelings” Pennington, and in the name of documenting an authentic account of my time abroad, I felt the need to over-share. So, friends, thanks for reading. I’ll quite literally keep you posted on how my life turns out.
I went on a field trip to Lake Burano, Orbetello, and Parco dell’Uccellina. I hope you enjoyed the scenery!
Firstly, if you don’t put credit lines under all of your photos, you are going to see them on a magazine cover attributed to someone else. The way you have captured light is astounding. Please send them to me.
Second, I like the introspection. We all go through emotional uncertainty now and then. Normal. Remember it’s the people who don’t know they are crazy that are “actually” crazy. You’re fine, and there’s no such thing as having “too many feelings.” The current world is a bit deficient in this category.