What Do Tricycles and The Jonas Brothers Have In Common?

What do tricycles and The Jonas Brothers have in common?

If you said they were both kickass but overwhelmingly embarrassing parts of your childhood you’d rather forget, you’re right. They’re also groups of three that would be much better off as pairs. Bicycles are clearly more efficient and don’t even try to lie to me and say you ever cared about Kevin Jonas. To this day, nobody really knows how he made it in the band.

There is a sharp divide in the people I know between those who are in long-term, loving relationships and well, me. I am the constant third wheel. If you’re in love with somebody, I am your Kevin Jonas.

My life (or to be more fair, my Facebook feed) is a constant reminder of the fact that while I’ve stayed more or less like my 14 year old self, the rest of the world has taken a page from Beyoncé and fallen in crazy in love with that “special someone.” It’s like Oprah specifically targeted my timeline for a giveaway of prenuptial bliss. “You get a diamond ring, you get a diamond ring, EVERYBODY GETS A DIAMOND RING!”

The diamonds that grace the ring fingers of my friends are rivaled as the most impressive ice in the room by my cold, hard heart. And you know what they say, diamonds, like all-encompassing feelings of crippling self-doubt, are forever.

What’s a third wheel to do in a time like this? The theory that keeps me from wailing “why doesn’t anybody love me” into fresh pint of Ben and Jerry’s after every brazen engagement announcement is as follows:

“I’m not in a relationship because my increased happiness from being “in love” would, without a doubt, throw the emotional balance of the entire planet into complete and utter chaos.”

This is the conclusion I’ve come to. Is it ridiculous? Absolutely. Does this make me seem self-aggrandizing and pretentious? You bet your future husband’s ass it does.

But look at my life as a person completely devoid of the love of a significant other:

• I smile at sunshine.
• I frequently respond to what is seemingly mundane with an enthusiastic, “THIS IS THE BEST!” a la Emma Stone, and I mean it, too.

So I guess what I’m saying is, if you’re madly in love, recently engaged, or happily married, you should know I don’t understand you or your love in the slightest. But dammit, your flawless and adorable relationships are helping me figure out things I like about myself in an effort to keep from spiraling into a sad, “I’ll be single forever” sob story. So thank you, happy couples everywhere, may I be your third wheel until The Year 3000.