No, Not The Rolling Stones Song
The following post has been approved for appropriate audiences by the kpennyforyourthoughts association of America, Inc.
FADE IN FROM BLACK TO A TINY ITALIAN KITCHEN
DRAMATIC VOICEOVER ENSUES
NARRATOR:
In a world….
Without brown sugar….
CAMERA PANS ACROSS SMALL ITALIAN KITCHEN TO AN EMPTY SUGAR JAR
NARRATOR:
One girl…
CLOSEUP ON FEMALE PROTAGANSIT’S FACE (probably Kayla, but after her stint as “chorus member #3” through three years of high school theater productions, lets face it, she probably wouldn’t be cast as the lead in her own fictional movie trailer. Let’s go with Emma Stone here. People love Emma Stone.)
EMMA STONE STARES INTO CAMERA WITH A LOOK OF BROWN-SUGARLESS DESPAIR
EMMA:
Un-sweet Jesus!
NARRATOR:
Will do whatever it takes….
EMMA RUNS THROUGH AN AISLE OF AN ITALIAN GROCERY STORE, FLANKED BY WALLS OF NOTHING BUT GRANULATED SUGAR, DISTRAUGHT
NARRATOR:
To make chocolate chip cookies….
EMMA RUNS DOWN THE SAME AISLE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION, CHASED BY ANGRY ITALIAN PASTRY MEN WITH ROLLING PINS
(SHE IS SLIGHTLY MORE DISTRAUGHT)
EMMA:
I never said I didn’t like cannoli!
NARRATOR:
From the people who brought you Coffee Cake, Streusel Topping, and Apple Pie…
EMMA DROOLS AT THE THOUGHT OF BROWN SUGAR
Comes a film of perseverance. It will make you laugh…
EMMA FALLS DRAMATICALLY OUT OF THE FRAME TO THE FLOOR IN A CLOUD OF FLOUR
NARRATOR:
It will make you cry…
EMMA READS A RECIPE FOR PEANUT BUTTER COOKIES, SOBS
NARRATOR:
But mostly… it will make you hungry….
SEEKING BROWN SUGAR
Packing into theaters near you.
Just Buy Some Molasses, Already.™
Aaaaannnnddd scene.
So. Italy doesn’t sell brown sugar and I’m salty about it. The stores are filled with bags upon bags of granulated sugar to sweeten their copious coffee consumption, but there’s not a bag of brown sugar in sight. The grocery store aisles mock me, day in and day out, whispering sweet nothings of their nothing sweet. Where’s the brown sugar? Where’s the flavor depth? How’s a girl supposed to make her “world famous” (okay, okay, they’re only Dad approved, but still) Triple Chocolate Chunk Oatmeal Walnut Cookies without a hearty cuppa brown sugar, well packed? Wanna know what’s worse? I think I’m the only person who misses it. “Have you seen brown sugar?” I plead, hopefully; to which the sugar-ignorant in my life reply “…. Like…. Raw sugar? Kayla it’s right over there. It’s literally right next to the white sugar. Stop freaking out.”
Nobody understands.
Please enjoy these completely unrelated photos from fall break. Meanwhile, I’ll be making, I don’t know, pasta or something.
